textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
