The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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