if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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