: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
