I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
