She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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