I accidentally burped into my bong.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
