All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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