just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
