Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
