I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
