You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
