remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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