even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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