Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
