I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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