Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize