Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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