I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So squirting runs in the family.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
