You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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