I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
