fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
