i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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