My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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