You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I could make wine with my vomit
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
