4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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