Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
