Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
