Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
