woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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