Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
