You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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