Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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