YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
