I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
