college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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