You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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