On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
