What did we do last night that was yellow?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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