so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
