Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
