I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
