I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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