I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
