Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
