Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
