turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he was CRYING into my vagina
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
