The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
