He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
