i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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