How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
