I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
