He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
