drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
