4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
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And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
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After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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