Sober January is a disaster.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
