Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
