You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
