i may or may not be watching the land before time
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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