Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
what day is it and did you see me today?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Oh god it's open bar.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
